First Glimpse: True Blood

Pre-ramble: Opted for this photo vs the lady vamp licking her chops sexily because this one is landscape and that one’s portrait. For some reason, I think a title shot looks better in landscape. So sue me. No wait, don’t, I have no money.

A friend recommended this series to me. Well, not so much recommended, as demanded that I bring when I visit her, then as an afterthought tossed in that I would like it because (and I quote) “That show has drugs, SEX, NUDITY, vampires….I think you’ll enjoy it if you’re not already watching it. “

Thanks, friend. I’m clearly a pervy, pervy, easily-amused-by-gratuitous-anything type of guy.

First Glimpse:

Please note that I’ve only seen the first episode. However, I don’t at all understand how this show managed to get launched as a pilot. I know, I know, I’m spoiling, but for literature’s sake, I -MUST- correct these wrongs!

Vampires are “out of the coffin” as they so cleverly coin the phrase in the show. They drink this “True Blood” synthetic, which honestly sounds like some disgusting sports/energy drink, and that’s how they don’t Hulk out and drain people dry. I can’t remember where I saw it, but there was a statistical proof that showed if vampires truly existed, the human race would have been wiped out ages ago, something to do with the draining of people and then turning them. Not exact, since each vampire lore has different rules for how vampires are made and exactly how much blood a vampire needs to survive, but it made sense at the time. /useless sidebar

The camera work is actually rather excellent here, not too showy, but not too amateurish as some new shows tend to feel. That’s where the compliments end, sadly enough. There are some rather cliche plot twists, some sub-par acting by Anna Paquin (who, really, shouldn’t try to be an X-Man other than Rogue, since she really didn’t play that part all that well either…she also has a bad Southern accent here and colors her hair. Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot…).

Also, I’m fairly certain they toed the plagiarism line expertly here, stealing from an already-horrid plot and making it worse. At this point, I’ll have to horrify you all with some harsh reality: I’ve read all the Twilight books. I won’t make excuses – I was bored, yes, but stabbing myself repeatedly in the eye with a rusty nail was still an option. I had nothing else to read, but tea leaves in the bottom of my cup would have been far more entertaining (and contain far more SUBSTANCE) than Twilight. Yet, I read it all. I blame my OCD that forces me to start at the beginning of a series and go to the end. I can’t just jump in the middle. And even as much as it sucks, I keep telling myself “Well, you’ve come this far, might as well see it through.” NO. No you damn well better NOT see it through.

My big issue is that they plagiarized a BAD story. WHY? Twilight (and I don’t even care if I spoil this because it sucks and contains even worse writing than Harry Potter) got taken for a ride here. The main character can (get this) read minds. 1) She’s not Jean Grey (GO BACK TO ROGUE. Actually, just go back!) 2) She’s not a vampire, as I initially thought, which would have kind of been cool, but Stupidface Cullen (of Twilight) can also read minds as part of his vampire goodness, so not so cool. I’m just gonna list all the similarities.

Main character is (supposedly) a strong, independent female stuck in a podunk town. There is bogus mind-reading that takes place, however, the love interest is immune to the mind reading (in Twilight, Stupidface can read minds except for Uglyface, in True Blood Gaptooth can read minds except for Grungyface). There is a decidedly pale, Stupidface Cullen motif going on with Grungyface. In fact, the moment I saw him I thought of Stupidface Cullen. And was immediately sorry. Female lead is inexplicably entranced by vampire stranger and bucks the norm by approaching him first. Female lead intoxicates the vampire but no, no…he mustn’t! Mustn’t he? Yes, he mustn’t…

The similarities go on and on but honestly, I’m feeling a little ill at all the bad writing flying around. There are a lot of similar special effects used to portray the vampire powers…honestly, I miss the Buffyverse vampires. They’re the only ones that really made sense to me. Blade Trilogy’s vamps were not vampy enough, Supernatural’s vamps displayed a rather pathetic lack of budget, etc etc.

In essence we are watching a reboot of Twilight with a few twists and the twists (so far) are not enough to keep me going. The first episode ended on a vaguely cliff-hanger note, so I’ll give it a few more episodes. I’m always wary of dropping a series someone has recommended to me without giving it a few episodes. Great shows have suffered from poor pilot episodes in the past (House’s pilot was a rather awkward, rough-around-the-edges type of show, but clearly it got better). I say it doesn’t have something to keep me going in the sense that after a few eps, if nothing changes, I am giving this show the boot (I had to give Dollhouse the boot after the first episode because it was TERRIBLE and you know what? I friggen’ love Joss Whedon and think Eliza Dushku is ridiculously, ridiculously hot. AND I STILL STOPPED).

Expectations are low, Anna Paquin’s character seems to be a Mary Sue to the extreme and I honestly want to punch her in the gap between her teeth, just to fix it. I mean she’s got loads of money from her child-acting days. SEE. A. DAMN. DENTIST. What is she, British? *rimshot*

Her acting is forced and I think the character ill-suits her. The range of characters was poorly introduced, although it just screams “we’ve got one of every kind, Pokemon style!” – You’ve got the overly independent, always-speaks-her-mind best friend (who happens to be black, twofer deal right there!), the kind, nice-guy bartender hopelessly in love with Gaptooth, but since she can read his thoughts it’s all “ewww, perv” between them. There is (if you can believe it) a GRANDMA, a la Spiderman’s Aunt May. There is the no-good brother to the Mary Sue sister (Gaptooth, or Anna Paquin, whichever you prefer) and of course there is unresolved sexual tension between Best Friend and Brother. There’s even a gay black man who is (le gasp!) shockingly candid about his sexcapades and sexuality. I’ve never seen that before! Originality pouring out of their EARS, these writers…

One of the many Twilight moments was between Gaptooth and Grungyface, as they stand in the forest together and he tries to scare her out of being fascinated by vampires. I wanted to rip my hair out and scream “SAY IT” but I didn’t because that would be crazy. Not nearly half as crazy as this show is, though.

Initial rating:

I’m giving this god-awful act of blatant plagiarism a 3 out of 10. 1 point for a fairly intriguing premise – Vampires have a synthetic and they are trying to merge with society. 1 point for making the people the focus of the story vs making it about some vampire family that settles in Seattle and happens to sparkle like diamonds in direct sunlight, rather than going poof. Well, the “poof” already happens with the sparkling, M I RITE?

And finally, 1 point because they really didn’t abuse the nudity. As an HBO series, they could have, but it wasn’t gratuitous (although, at the same time, it wasn’t entirely necessary to the plot). It’s kind of like, yes, we could have used creative camera angles and covered up the nipples, but you know what, this is muthafuckin’ HBO and we don’t have to. So there, BAM! here are some ugly boobies on a fairly unattractive woman. More to come as I finish the series.

It's a sad day for me when "boobies" aren't a good enough reason to watch a show